The symptoms of my illness have changed my life and whole perspective on it. I am in no way shape or form my old self. When i look at my photos I’m not even sure who that person is.
I find that my cognitive symptoms have caused me to be a bit more shut down. I spend more time in my head rather than in the real world. The real world feels unknown and scary.
Schizophrenia is like watching a movie starring you. You can hear the narration and the other characters in it, but you can't see the other characters. The other characters also say really mean and harsh things.
I find my delusions to be the worst part of it. This is because you believe that what you're feeling and thinking is real. You can't tell what's real and what isn't. This causes you to act differently appearing odd to other people. The feeling is unreal.
I remember very vividly how I believed that CPS was going to show up at my door and take my little one. There was no reason for me to believe that. Yet, I remember I would stay up all night deep cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned over and over again.
I have this other belief that people close to me are trying to harm me.
The most recent episode was with my coworkers. I thought they were trying to get me in trouble and have me fired. There was also no real basis of this either. The feeling is very real and I acted how one would act if they were being targeted.
I have issues with paranoia when people who get close to me. They sometimes become the subject of paranoia. EX. my neighbors are trying to get me evicted. It's very real to me.
Can you imagine what it feels like to have someone tell you the world in which you live, think and feel isn't real? Yes, shattered.